A Few Things About Dying

Hubby's sister is on life support and they were supposed to take her off life support this morning as there really isn't any hope for recovery.  However another sister just arrived at the hospital this morning from another part of the country and when the doctor came in to have the final discussion, this sister wanted to wait a few more days (she is the spiritual sister who is convinced God will intervene and her sister will be miraculously saved).  

Cue another zoom call with the dying sister's kids and all of her siblings debating her fate.  The doctor was really good, laying out the options--everything from taking her off life support today and she would most likely pass immediately, to waiting a few more days, to aggressive treatment that will keep her alive, via machines, for the undetermined future.  He pointed out it should be a group decision instead of putting all of the pressure on her kids to decide.  Then he kind of waited while a lively discussion ensued, in three languages, by the people with her in her hospital room and several people online.  The consensus was to wait one more day then take her off life support tomorrow.

So the few things I learned about dying today are: have a will, a living will, and medical power of attorney so your life, or lack thereof, doesn't come down to a debate between family members, and make your wishes clearly known to your family members while you are still of sound mind and body.  The debate today was "what would she want done in a situation like this?" and since she didn't have a living will and had never mentioned what her final wishes would be, the suggestions ranged from take her off life support now since there is no hope of recovery so why make her suffer longer, to wait several days to see if her health somehow improves (very unlikely).  No one wants to make a decision like this for their loved one (what if we pull the plug too soon and she could have lived longer? what if we wait too long and she suffers needlessly?) so it's important to make these decisions for yourself so no one feels guilty for the rest of their life because they had to make a choice between life and death for anther person.

10 Frugal Death Tips

When pondering what to write about today, a common topic recently has been death (people have been dropping like flies lately), so here are ten ways to make death cheaper:

1. Consider cremation instead of burial (it's cheaper).
2. Consider donating your body to science (it's even cheaper than cremation since when science is done with your body, cremation is provided for free).
3. Instead of an elaborate viewing/wake, funeral ceremony, embalming, fancy casket, etc. consider having just a memorial ceremony which can literally be held anywhere (sans body).  Public park, the beach, a family member's home...even a bar or bowling alley if that is something that would resonate with the loved one in question.
4. For people who must have a funeral, pre-planning and pre-paying for the entire funeral and cremation/burial can be a cheaper way to go.
5. If the deceased was a veteran, check out the death/burial benefits available for qualified vets.
6. If you need a casket, Google "cheap caskets".  Who knew Walmart had an entire casket section?
7. Did you know that in many states it is perfectly legal to bury people on your own property?
8. Buy individual items for the memorial service/funeral yourself instead of getting an (expensive) package deal.  Besides buying a casket online you can also buy urns online (often cheaper than what you can buy through a funeral home), provide your own flowers for the service, find your own caterer/order in food yourself, make your own funeral cards/funeral programs/prayer cards/etc.
9. Consider crowd-funding for funeral costs (this is often done when there is an unexpected death such as when a child dies).
10. Take out a small insurance policy/start a savings account specifically to cover death and funeral costs in the future.

What Happens to Your Debt When You Die

If you need even more reason to get out of debt as soon as possible, this article on what happens to your debt when you die should inspire you to action.  If you think it is difficult for you and your SO to pay the mortgage and car payment and credit card bills now, image what it would be like to dump all of that debt on a grieving spouse.  The article goes on to detail what happens to other kinds of debt, including student loan debt which can be OK-ish (federal student loan debt is forgiven when the student dies) to horrific (with private student loans the co-signer--often a parent--is stuck with the entirety of the student loan debt if the student dies).

Hopefully you live a long and enjoyable life but everyone needs to know about the ramifications of leaving a large amount of debt behind if they should die early and the impact this could have on your family!

10 Things to Leave My Husband When I Die (or Vice Versa)

I hope either option will be a LONG time away but a friend of the family died last night and now people are scrambling to get to the funeral (not us as we weren't as close to them as others in the family) and then it reminded me of the many times, when I was doing social service work, someone would land in our office in this exact situation.

They would still be shell shocked from the death of a spouse and then, after the dust settled from the funeral and friends and family went home, they would be left to figure out what to do.  A few were well set up due to previous planning but the vast majority were left near homeless (sometimes actually homeless) because, well, people don't usually do a lot of planning for the death of them self or their spouse, and the surving spouse can be left with legal bills, a greatly diminished income, debt up to their ears, etc.

Which brings me back to the topic of this post.  When I die (or if the hubby goes before me) I want the one of us left to be relatively set financially (and emotionally and socially as well).  Here's what people should be left upon the death of a spouse:

1. A paid off house
2. A newish, paid off car
3. No debt
4. A life insurance policy
5. A Will, Living Will, and Medical Power of Attorney
6. A passive income stream
7. A paid for and arranged funeral
8. A list of important info 
9. A social safety net
10. Things to do, places to be

And here's why:

1. With a paid off house and no mortgage to pay each month, the surviving spouse has #1 an asset that can be sold, and #2 a place to live until they decide what to do without worry of being evicted/foreclosed on.
2. A newish, paid off car gives the surviving spouse a mode of transportation and no worry about having the car repoed if they can't make the payments.  Newishness makes the car less likely to break down leaving them stranded and/or with big repair bills to pay.
3. No debt should be the standard for everyone, regardless of age.  You don't want to be in the midst of the death of a loved one while at the same time juggling creditors and hoping not to be forced into bankruptcy.
4. A life insurance policy will afford the surviving spouse a clump of money to tide them over during the death and morning period; it will give them the money to pay for everyday expenses as well as money to make decisions about their future without having to worry about finances.
5. When someone dies without a Will or is incapacitated without a Living Will and Power of Attorney, it makes the situation so much more complicated.  The probate process can be complicated and expensive for the surviving spouse and the last thing you want when you are mourning is a legal tangle to deal with.
6. A passive income stream left to the surviving spouse is a wonderful bonus that can mitigate everything from paying regular monthly bills to giving the spouse options for their future.
7. We used to live next to a windowed, elderly lady.  She had no children and no family but had lots of friends.  When she died, I found out that she had planned out and paid for her funeral in advance which was one of the best ideas I'd ever heard of.  There was no scrambling for funds to pay for the funeral, there was no guessing how or what to do in regards to the funeral, and there was no pressure on friends to take on such a responsibility.  Arranging for your funeral and paying for it long before you pass away is a great gift to leave your friends an family.
8. It's amazing how many people don't know a lot about their spouse's/family's important info.  When a client would come in after the death of a spouse, I would ask them "did he have a will?  Where is it?  Did he leave investment accounts? With what institutions and what are the account numbers?  Who are your creditors?  How much is owed to them?"  And the questions would go on and the answers were almost always "I don't know."  Sorting that kind of thing out after a spouse dies is time consuming and needlessly complicated.  By leaving a list of everything from social media passwords to the location of important documents to financial account information, leaves your spouse with fewer problems to sort out after the fact.
9. One thing many people don't think about leaving their spouse if they should die is a social safety net.  This problem is more common with men whose spouses die than with women, as women often keep in touch with a wide range of friends and family while many men let their wives keep up the social aspects of the couple's life.  The remaining spouse needs the social support of friends and family before, during, and far beyond the funeral and it is an important part of keeping the remaining spouse active and busy and not in danger of succumbing to depression or worse.
10. It is important that both spouses keep active as they age.  Even though they may not be working, having places to be and things to do (bowling league on Monday, walking group on Tuesday, book club on Wednesday, etc) creates a structure during the day and it is this structure which can ease a person into widowhood by giving them a reason to get out of bed each day. 

Preparing for Disaster Series (Part 2 of 10): Death

Back in my social service days, death was another disaster my clients had to deal with. Since most of my clients were youngish people, usually with small children, their spouse dying was a HUGE crisis. I mean, when you are young, there are a lot of things to worry about--your finances, getting and keeping a job, taking care of your kids--however someone dying young usually isn't even on the person's radar. But it does happen and the scramble afterwards to take care of funeral arrangements, pay bills, and help people through the grieving process really made me aware of the fact that you can die at any time so this is another area where it pays to be prepared ahead of time. Here's ten things to prepare for right now in case the worst happens:

1. If anyone depends on your income (spouse, kids) be sure to get life insurance (term life insurance is best). I have seen a 55 year old woman who never worked a day in her life have to pick up menial jobs to make ends meet because her husband let his life insurance lapse and then he died, leaving his wife too young to collect social security which basically left her penniless. Fortunately, for young people, life insurance is very inexpensive.


2. Have a Will, Living Will, durable power of attorney, and medical power of attorney. These documents (properly written and notarized of course) make the death and dying process much less complicated. Unless any of these documents could be contested, many states will let you draw up your own documents as long as they are officially notarized. For a bit more protection, you can draw up your own documents to save money then pay an attorney to give them a quick read through to ensure everything is correct.


3. Have an emergency fund! Right after someone dies, there are all kinds of expenses that need to be taken care of, unfortunately it usually takes life insurance a while to pay out so the money in an emergency fund (kept in an account where both spouses can access it) can really help a person through the first few weeks after a death whether to pay bills or pay for funeral arrangements.


4. Discuss your final wishes with your SO. It's kind of an odd conversation to have, especially when you are still strong and healthy, but many people can end up in the poor house when a loved one dies because they guilt themselves into spending way more than necessary on a fancy funeral and burial plot when, if the loved one would have been asked, wouldn't have cared what kind of casket/burial plot location/flowers/etc they got. FWIW, I would rather the hubby keep his money and enjoy it rather than spending it on me when I am dead and can't enjoy it. I told him that if I am practically dead to pull the plug (I'm a fan of compressed morbidity), have me cremated (it's way cheaper than a burial), and to skip the funeral service and have a party to remember me at home (again, as long as he has friends to support him when he is grieving, I'm happy with that...besides, funerals make me sad).


5. Get out of debt ASAP. One of the main reasons I became so focused on getting out of debt was because a lady came to my office one day four months after her husband had died. She had literally never handled the finances and didn't know what to do with the four month's worth of mail she brought me in a giant bag. After sifting through the mail I asked her if she knew they were nearly $100,000 in debt not counting the mortgage. Of course, she didn't know. Her husband always juggled the bills (looking at his mess of bills the stress from juggling these debts probably speeded up his demise!) and she thought everything was fine. Everything wasn't fine and in the midst of her grief she ended up having to file bankruptcy too. That situation really hit me hard and I realized that there was NO WAY I was going to leave my husband with that kind of mess (or vice versa, end up with myself in that kind of mess if he were to die first) which pretty much made me super focused on paying off all of our debt.


6. Know what death benefits you are entitled to. In my case, my husband is a veteran so there are a number of death benefits he is entitled to from the VA. If you have minor children, they are also entitled to death benefits if a parent dies. Searching out all of the benefits you are entitled to can save you a lot of money so it pays to find out what you are entitled to.


7. Have all of your important documents in a single place where both spouses can access them. After someone dies, there is a mountain of paperwork to do. To streamline this process it helps to have all of the family's important documents together in one place (I keep these in a safe as well as keep scanned copies of each document in my computer). Among the documents you need: birth certificates, Wills, powers of attorney, medical power of attorney, adoption records, insurance policies, financial records, list of creditors, marriage records, divorce records, military records, etc.


8. Give stuff to people when you are still living, enjoy people too while you still can. Suffice it to say that seemingly normal people can act like rabid hyenas after the person who held the family together dies. From experience I have learned that it is best to give stuff to people when you are still alive (this ensures things go to who you want them to go to and you get to see them enjoying the things you give them) and I have also learned that it is way more important to spend time with people NOW while you can enjoy them instead of showing up at the funeral wishing you had called/visited your loved one more often.


9. Prepare an "if I die" letter. This is probably the last thing people want to think about, especially if you are young and healthy, but I have seen way more than my share of people die in the prime of life so I know that putting such a thing off until later can often be too late. This letter should include things you want to say to your loved ones, advice about what they should do after your passing (ie: how to arrange home matters and business matters), user names and passwords to all of your online accounts (some people even write a final blog post to be published after their death), plus anything else they need to know.


10. Don't forget anything. Before and after death, there can literally be a hundred things that you need to do. In addition to this checklist, here is a bunch of other good lists of things to remember to do both before and after a loved one dies.

Get Your Finances in Order...In Case You Die

Some people think I am rather blunt and reading that headline I am inclined to agree with them, but, and this is a big BUT, when you are talking about a topic people would rather ignore, like death, sometimes you have to shock people to get their attention.

Now that I have your attention...

Everyone is going to die. Hopefully for you, me, and everyone else, death will come later rather than sooner, however, everyday I get to review reports of people who have died--everyone from the elderly who die of natural causes to the teenagers who were full of life just prior to the car accident/drug overdose/freak unexpected medical incident that rapidly took their life. In most cases death is sad and traumatic for surviving loved ones, and it for this specific reason that it is extremely important for everyone, no matter how old or young you are, to get your financial house in order now, before it is too late.

I have seen more than enough cases of family members fighting like hyenas over an estate because there was no Will and only vaguely remembered promises made by the deceased loved one, more than enough cases of the primary wage earner thinking they would save money by not buying life insurance only to die unexpectedly and leave the family destitute, and more than enough cases of people who have waged more-than-long-enough battles with incurable diseases left on life support because there were no advanced medical directives.

The way to protect your family when you die, is to start with the basics. Here's nine things you need to get organized straight away so that if the worst should happen, your loved ones will be taken care of:

1. Have a Will which has been legally created, notarized, and is in compliance with state laws. We update our wills about every five years or so as things change (ie: the kids moved out, we buy or sell a business, we buy or sell a property, etc).


2. Have a Living Will to make your wishes known in the event that you are unable to do this (in my case, I made it very specific that if I am on life support, I want the plug PULLED as quickly as possible. I did this knowing that my hubby, loving as he is, would never even consider making such a decision).


3. Have a Medical Power of Attorney that will give someone you trust the ability to make medical decisions on your behalf in the event you are unable to.


4. Keep a list of financial information in a safe location that your attorney/executor/trusted friend or relative will be able to access in the event of your death. This list should include information on your investments, bank accounts, property, debts, etc. so that the people you left behind will be able to sort out your financial situation if you are not there to help them. Be sure to include with this list other important documents such as birth certificates, marriage certificates, property deeds, military DD214, etc.


5. Have life insurance. The amount you need depends on what kind of financial responsibilities you have. For example, if you are a single person with no dependants, you may only want enough insurance to cover your death expenses (funeral, burial, etc) and clear up your debts, whereas if you are the sole wage earner with a wife and five kids, you will need a significantly larger amount of insurance to cover the family's expenses for a number of years into the future.


6. Have information in writing in regards to what you want to happen to you after death. Do you want to be buried? Cremated? Do you want a wake? Last rites? What are your religious preferences? The most organized lady I know was an elderly neighbor who had everything planned, and paid for, before she died. She had already set up the funeral and burial and all that her friends and few remaining relatives had to do was show up to the memorial service.


7. Be debt free. One of the best ways to help your family after you die is to not leave them a pile of debt. It is hard enough dealing with creditors on a good day but when you are dealing with creditors and grieving at the same time it can be completely overwhelming. If you are debt free (hopefully including the house) that is one less problem you leave your loved ones.


8. Leave a letter to be delivered to your loved one(s) after your death. Your attorney can hold on to this for you or you can keep it in your safe deposit box. The letter should include what you would personally like to say to them as well as other private information you want to share such as internet passwords, information about your online accounts (what do you want to happen to your websites and FaceBook account?), and anything else you don't want to leave unsaid.


9. Get rid of stuff now (or securely hide it in a way that it will disappear when you die) that you don't want your family members to see after you die. Pictures of your new girlfriend? Not a good thing for a grieving wife to find. Evidence of other things you wouldn't be proud of sharing with the world? Do you really need to keep mementos?

Preparing for death is never easy or fun, but it can be such a better experience if you do this while you are still alive and healthy as opposed to leaving it to your grieving family members after you die.